Tears in Heaven

July 23,2007... the day when I was suppose to give birth to Kirsten, my baby girl.


My heart is being crushed. I feel like there is a heavy load on the top of my chest thinking that today I should have touched my angel and start taking care of her until God takes my last breath. How I wish I can turn back time... but I can't.

Here is the story:

I've been seeing different obstetricians every month for the first five months of pregnancy. First was to confirm if I'm pregnant or not. I didn't feel at ease with him since he's a man. Second was in the hospital near my parent's house since I was still living with my parents then. Third was in a clinic near the condominium where my hubby and I live which I didn't feel comfortable with so on the fifth month I transferred to another doctor.

On July 10, I was experiencing spotting and a bit of contraction. So I went for a check up. The doctor asked my to have an ultrasound to know if the placenta is in the right place and to see the gender of my baby. We were so eager to know the gender so we can already shop for clothes and other things needed. My hubby wants a boy. I really want a girl but I want a boy as the eldest. Anyway, it was girl and we were really happy especially when she made a movement as if she was raising her hand. I almost cried. The placenta is also on the right position. After the OB's assessment, she said that I don't have to drink any medicine because maybe the reason why I'm experiencing spotting is because of stress or excitement due to the preparation of my wedding. My husband even asked her if our baby is in good condition and she said yes and to come back on Monday for laboratory examination. Then, we went home.

That evening, the blood discharge increased. I lifted my legs and took a medicine that another OB (which is our family friend) recommended. I was up almost all night because the contraction was keeping me awake.

The following morning, my mom went to our place to pick me up and to bring me to the same OB that recommended the medicine. Of course, my husband came along with us.

I was admitted in a hospital because of spotting and contractions due to infection and stress. I was really afraid of needles but for the sake of my baby I'm willing to go through hell. All I can do is cry. It was to calm me and the baby so we could sleep. I was taken to the labor room so that they can observe the the baby's heartbeat. I was there the whole day and was brought to my room only when I don't feel the contraction anymore. That was around 7pm.

My dad was coming from abroad that night but my mom didn't tell him that I was in a hospital until he arrived. From the airport, they went straight to the hospital. My dad decided to stay with me and to let my mom rest in our house. But at around 12mn, I felt the contraction again. I was given a medicine but as if it has no effect. So, at 3am, I was sent back to the delivery room with the resident doctor.

It was between 6am and 7am and still there was no improvement. When my OB arrived, my water bag suddenly broke. I was about to cry but I don't want to feel negative about the situation and pretended that it'll be ok. But my OB said that I will give birth that moment and that my baby won't survive since her lungs are not yet fully developed. I broke down into tears. I felt like my chest was being pounded. That was the most hurtful experience I've gone through. And to top it all up, my husband was not there because he went back to our place to get some clothes for me. They let my mom in and was also crying. I know she wanted to be strong for me but she also can't prevent her tears from coming down. They asked my mom to step out of the room because they need to prepare me for delivery. The doctor said that I will be put to sleep as soon as my baby comes out because it will be more painful for me to see her. I almost don't want to "push" but I thought I wouldn't want my baby to suffer more. She didn't gave me a hard time because she immediately came out of me then I past out because of what they've injected. She was alive and was able to survive but only until she exhaled the last air in her lungs.

Inside the recovery room, my OB woke me up so I can take a look at my baby. I was really groggy then. I saw my lifeless baby. She was black and blue because of the infection. She was so little. She looks a lot like my husband. I felt like I was being punished by God. I even had a hard time breathing because of the emotional pain I was feeling. My OB asked me what name do I want for my baby and I said Kirsten. I kissed her and past out again.

When I woke up, I asked the nurse where my baby was. She said that my baby is inside the labor room... in the same bed where I stayed when they are still monitoring her heartbeat. I told her that I wanted to see my baby. She went out of the delivery room and when she came back she said that my baby is already in my private room. But I still need to rest and sleep. After a couple of hours, they already allowed me to go back to my room... expecting that my baby would be there. But she's not. They said that the baby should be immediately buried because a baby of that size cannot be embalmed.

They just told me that my mother-in-law, my husband and my dad got Kirsten and buried her in our garden. I can't stop from crying. Especially when my husband came back and he embraced me. He cried his heart out and my dad talked to him that he shouldn't show any sign of weakness to me because one of us should be strong for the other and he''s the only one who is capable in doing that.

My parents and his mom decided that my husband should go home and rest first. The following morning, he left our place to go to the hospital but he didn't arrive. His mom let his uncle stayed with him during the night because there no one there except him. We asked his uncle about what happened and he said that my husband was up all night and he was even asking them where our baby is. I broke down when I heard that. I know he was in great pain and I don't even know where he was. My dad and brother-in-law searched the road that he will take on the way to the hospital and found nothing. It turns out he just wanted to be alone. He arrived in the hospital that evening.

When it was time for me to go home... the pain was still there and even doubled when I saw my daughter's grave. My parents talked to me and said that I should move forward and just keep in mind that my baby would suffer more if she survived.

These happened 4 days before our wedding. I have to pull myself together to be able to face all our guests. We didn't postponed the wedding because we are not getting married for the reason that I got pregnant. He already told his parents that we are getting married even before I got pregnant so we found no reason to cancel or postpone. And our relatives came home from abroad just to be with us on our special day.

During the wedding day itself I kept on smiling even when my heart is bleeding. I was happy that my husband and I finally tied the knot but I still can't get over what happened to us 4 days ago. My lips are smiling but my eyes were weeping.

Until now, I still grieve for my daughter. From then on, I don't want to be alone because I always think of my baby. There are still nights when I can't sleep because I'm thinking of her. All I can do now is pray to God to take care of her and also guide and guard my little angel.